Good news, readers. I’ve come across a noteworthy doctor who writes an advice column for the Wormwood Telegraph, the leading news outlet in Wormwood, West Virginia. Dr. Norbert Fish, an eminent psychologist, who completed his undergraduate studies at Wormwood University followed by years of practice in the Psychology Department in the School of Astrology at Uzbekistan University in Tashkent.
Here’s a recent column.
Dear Doctor Fish:
I was at a bar recently drinking shots and beers while watching the Icelandic shuffleboard team in action against some outfit from Greenland. Well, a girl came up behind me and asked if I minded if she sat on the stool next to me. I said I didn’t. I noticed she didn’t just hop up on the bar stool, but more like pulled herself up.
Being a thoughtful person, I asked her, “Hey, you got a medical problem?”
She said, “No way. I’m like totally fit.” She let me feel her biceps. Hard as rocks. “Of course, I do have a wooden leg.”
“Really, like real wood or something synthetic like maybe vinyl?”
“No way. I went with oak. You want to see it?”
She flipped off a sandal and pulled up her pant leg. Then she spun around and hoisted it up on my lap. A handful of rhinestones glittered in the light from the nearby Marlboro sign. “You want to touch it? Go ahead.”
So I did. It was real smooth except for the rhinestones and a bunch of small random holes.
We had a fun evening. Then she invited me to her house so I went and we ended up in her bed. She kept her leg on. Later, I woke up to get a drink of water. That’s when it came to me. What if those little holes in her leg were from carpenter ants. Or worse yet, termites. Then I thought, if I were to ask her to spend the night at my place, what if the critters got loose and started eating my bed, my Dutch wooden clog collection, and then my whole house? I went back to the bedroom, got dressed, and went home.
Although we have things in common like we both like Bud Light, I’m thinking of breaking up with her. What do you think?
Sigmund Froid (that’s not really my name)
Dear Mr. Froid:
Good idea. Beer compatibility is important, but bug infestations are never fun and can end up being quite costly. You’re wise to move on. In the future stick with synthetic limbs.