Car Fobs

My wife recently bought a new car, complete with push-button start. We have to carry around a “fob” in order to press the red button to start the car. What is that all about? What’s wrong with using a metal key? It was good enough for Henry Ford.

Now, I have two huge concerns. First, we are putting a bunch of key makers out of work. Think of the millions of car keys lost each year and owners having to buy replacements. What are all those people who are working in hardware stores, proudly displaying their diplomas, like Frank Armadillo, Graduate, Summa Cum Laude, Harvard Lock and Key Institute, supposed to do? All that training up in smoke. Do you really think Frank is going to enjoy getting transferred to the mulch department? Where is the intellectual stimulation in that move?

Second, and even more troublesome are those crappy fobs. So now men, let’s be clear about this. We’re going to be going around all day, every day with a radio pulse generator device in our pocket. Think about it and its location. A radio pulse generator right next to our, well, you know, thangs. That cannot have a happy ending.

Women, please note, you don’t have to worry. You have so much support paraphernalia in your purse, the rays are bound to be absorbed before escaping your handbag.

The whole thing reminds me when microwave ovens first came out in the late 1960’s. Lots of people were frightened of having one in their kitchen. Why, because they produced microwaves, for god’s sake. We could all recall the 1950’s and the Japanese movies where microwaves were used to destroy Godzilla and Rodan before they ate large sections of Tokyo. And now they were invading our homes. Fortunately, our Federal Government, after studying the situation for years, made the manufactures put warning labels on each and every oven: DO NOT PUT YOUR HEAD IN THE OVEN WHILE IT’S IN USE. Thank you, President Gerald Ford, for that.  

So now we have fobs to contend with. We need a three-point plan. Yes, of course, I happen to have a three-point plan. First, never buy a car requiring a fob to start the thing. Personally, I would recommend anything manufactured in the 1980’s. Terrific styling back in those days, so much so you didn’t care about the quality. Check out the 1987 Cadillac Fleetwood Brougham. Two, if you are forced to buy a fob-engineered auto, take a woman with you every time you go out. That way she can store the damn thing in her purse. As an added bonus, let her drive so you can ride in the back seat smoking a cigar and reading the paper. Third, jump on the campaign to get the Federal Government to issue a warning label. Huge letters on the dashboard: DO NOT PUT THE FOB IN YOUR PANTS POCKET. EVER.