Television Panel Experts

Who are these people who argue back and forth on TV, for or against something that has made it into the news cycle? How are they more qualified than the rest of us and, therefore, deserve media exposure? Have you noticed how TV stations never really tell us what the speakers’ qualifications are, other than who they might be working for at the moment. It’s usually some organization we never heard of, like Darkhorse Enterprises, or the Corporation for Sustaining Sustainability.

Are these authoritative-sounding people really that smart? Here’s what I think. If we burrowed into the background of these purported geniuses, I’m sure we would find recent work histories that include resume line items like:

Super high gloss application specialist at the House of Dong Nail Emporium

John Lennon look-alike in Beatles Tribute Band Number 4,798

Drying towel operator at the Pink Elephant Car Wash

Funeral insurance telemarketer

Lt. Governor of North Carolina

I believe these are useful positions in a complex society like ours. But they don’t necessarily lead to expertise in subjects ranging from thermonuclear war to the global impacts of the devaluation of the Chinese yuan. Even if the panelist is wearing a suit or dress.

I say the TV stations should jettison all of these know-it-alls and go with holograms. That’s right, holograms. You know, those three-dimensional, laser-generated objects that don’t exist on their own, but can appear real and lifelike. A wonderfully cheap alternative to the current set of talking heads. Spin up an image of, say, former, well-respected pro wrestling stars Chyna or the Mongolian Stomper, add in a terrific sounding digital voice, and access to a bunch of prerecorded pithy comments that may or may not be relevant to the argument coming up right after the next commercial break. Perfect on-air TV expertise. I know I would feel better tuning into an obvious deception rather than some guy or gal on the TV set babbling on about who knows what, and my having to decipher if anything he/she is lecturing us about has even a hint of truth to it.

No, we’d certainly be better off with holograms. Unless one of them decided to run for President. Then again, maybe we shouldn’t rule that out either.