Thoughts to Live By

Sometimes it’s important to take the advice of people who possess greater insight and depth of thought than we do. To help us ordinary folks figure out how to resolve an important problem or determine what to do next. Here are some gems from a few terrific human beings. Whatever your issue, something here is bound to be helpful.

Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, okay, your ugly too.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept trying to cover me up.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Groucho Marx

I intend to live forever or die trying.

I was just married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

She got her looks from her father. He was a plastic surgeon.

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal. 

Time wounds all heals.

Lily Tomlin

 I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

 If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library.

 Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist. But I gave it up, they have no holidays.

When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my x-rays.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I take my wife everywhere. She always finds her way home.

Dancing on pointe … why didn’t they just get taller girls?

 May West

 I generally avoid temptation unless I can’t resist it.

Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.

 Keep a diary and someday it will keep you.


Don’t worry if Plan A fails, there are twenty-five more letters in the alphabet.

You know you’re lazy when you get excited about cancelling your plans.

All my life I thought air was free … until I bought a bag of chips.


There you have it. Powerful thoughts to guide your life. I know they’ve helped me. My wife agrees, “Bob, your relying on these tells me a lot about you. No wonder you turned out the way you did.”

Talk about an endorsement.