Pet Medical Cones

You’ve seen them. Those plastic radar cones around the necks of dogs and cats. Vets recommend them to prevent animals from licking or biting an area on their body that is supposed to be healing. If you don’t have a dog or cat, or have never been told to use one, when you do see a cone you probably think, “How cute and funny looking. I bet Fido or Mittens is having a grand old time with that strung around its neck.”

You would be horribly wrong. Pets stagger around the house all day when wearing these cones from hell. The cones wipe out the pets’ peripheral vision. They stick out beyond their heads, so the pets are constantly catching them in doorways and on the corners of chairs and sofas and beds. When they lie down their heads are at odd angles. And you certainly don’t want to let them outdoors by themselves because, here too, they’ll run into trees and bushes and can’t see what may be about to attack them.

My question is, who makes these pet torture devices? I say we put together a committee to figure out who’s pulling in the big bucks selling this crap. Sure, there are some soft fabric ones for sale, but at a much higher price, hence you don’t see many. And they’re the same dumb design. What we all typically experience are the cheap plastic ones.

Once we know who the corporate culprits are, we’ll track down the CEO’s of the companies responsible for these atrocities. At the next board of directors meeting, the committee will appear and announce, “We have feedback from your customers” while we hold up photos of dogs and cats wearing these monstrosities. Any pet-owning board member will have to feign ignorance of the topic and, upon our request, vote for the CEO to wear one at work. We’ll bill it as “an opportunity to test drive your product.” The CEO gets to wander around the executive suite running into doors and furniture and getting blind-sided in hallways all day.

I figure if the medical community can craft all new joints and hearts and teeth and nearly every other body part out of some highly effective new materials, these companies can come up with real improvements to the torture cone. Or their executives can spend their remaining days at work in the proverbial dog house.