Malware Unmasked

This is your lucky day. A scientific breakthrough is at hand. After flipping through several magazines at the public library yesterday, it became perfectly clear to me that the American population is, let’s be generous and say, confused on the origins of malware and thus what’s needed to fight it.

The popular definition of malware, short for malicious software, is “an umbrella term used to refer to a variety of forms of hostile or intrusive software including viruses, worms, Trojan horses, etc.” We have all been led over time to think that malware is just some computer program created by malcontents in Uzbekistan to undermine our country’s electronic infrastructure. I admit I was a believer until yesterday. After my extensive reading, including deep into The Scientific Dilettante, I can now explain what is really going on.

First, look at the words—viruses, worms, and Trojan horses. These are not computer programs. No, these are living and breathing organisms that have gotten into our computers. You ask how is that possible if computers consist of silicon chips, wires, and the like? Think back a few years ago. Remember the stories out of South Florida about the discovery that certain species of termites had grown so voracious that they could eat through copper water pipes as well as devour the copper insides of electrical wires, opening pathways to home invasion and destruction.

In one of the magazine articles Professor Bambi Weevil cross-pollinated the Florida reference with the current malware epidemic and struck intellectual gold. “The viruses, worms, and tiny Trojan horses are alive and eating our computer infrastructure! They’ve been there the whole time right under our noses, or more accurately, our fingertips. Distant relatives of the termites, but under a microscope all sort of cute and cuddly.” Thank you, Professor Weevil!

The solution is we need to stop funding all the research underway for general disease elimination and pour it all into finding virus, worm and Trojan horse antibodies to turn the tide in this attack. I mean, which is worse, getting cancer or not getting The Cobbler starring Adam Sandler from Netflix?

One last thing. Where are all these little beasts coming from? That’s obvious, Uzbekistan.